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You left me with more than just a broken heart.

Decisions I never thought I would have to make.

Steps that never in my worst nightmares, I thought I’d have to take.

Broken hearts can heal, and trust can be renewed.

But what happens when you can’t erase what love has done to you?

This can’t be buried. I can’t burn it in my yard.

You never promised me perfection; but also never warned me it would be this hard.

So now, forever, will I live with my regrets?

You’ve left me to my own devices. You took absolutely all you could get.

What ugly things hide behind such beautiful smiles…

Now I’ve got my own secrets to hide.

even when you're here...

it's like you're not here.
it's like you'd rather be with him.





you just don't seem to be able to care about more than one of us.
and it seems to me a lot like you've already chosen him.


:(

Best friends doesn't always mean what you assume it does.
I want to be a vagabond.
I want to get the hell out of everywhere familiar to me, if only for a little while.
I want to hop in the car with crackers and bread and water bottles in the backseat.
Look at the map after a day or two.



Any takers?
So maybe he broke me a little bit more than I let on.
A little bit more than I even admitted to myself.

Someone should tell you when you're young,
If you act like something irreplaceable,
you'll get replaced by one.

And so the sun goes down and I yearn for his touch.
Or the touch of someone, at the very least.
Lines of options that I look out on every day.
But part of me is just so hesitant.
BUT - If there is one thing I've never let go of, it's my trust.
And I refuse to let him of all people take that away.

I have yet to cry, but my heart remains dismantled.
Honesty, I didn't even notice it at first.
I managed to convince myself that this time, it didn't hurt.

This is not to say that I feel like my world has ended.
IT HAS NOT. It has finally begun.
Released from him, holding onto what is left of my pride.
I'm taking this world head-on, taking it stride by steady stride.

These songs are spinning me in circles.


I'll Find Mine
by Meg and Dia

"Where is the laughter?
I saw a picture
You looked so happy
When I saw you with her
And I'm so glad
I knew you before you met her
So I know
How guys are before they get her.

I've got it down
You showed me again
Just so you know.
don't push me around
I know you resent that I'm alone
Pity and mercy
Do little for me
You know me better than anyone.

Go get your girl
she's looking at you
like you're crazy.
We can pretend you
never even knew me.
It would work out
don't let go of that one
And I'll find mine.

Run into you
Every time I walk out my door.
Oh, it's precious
you've never held my hand
like that before.
No need to stop and wave.
You stay calm and I'll be brave.
don't ever look down on me
don't ever feel bad for me.

I've got it down
You showed me again
Just so you know.
don't push me around
I know you resent that I'm alone
Pity and mercy
Do little for me
You know me better than anyone.

Go get your girl
she's looking at you
like you're crazy.
We can pretend you
never even knew me.
It would work out
don't let go of that one
And I'll find mine.

Oh, find mine.
Find mine.
Look at me, Look at me.
I've got time to find.
Mine. [4x]

I've got it down
You showed me again
Just so you know.
don't push me around
I know you resent that I'm alone
Pity and mercy
Do little for me
You know me better than anyone.

Go get your girl
she's looking at you
like you're crazy.
We can pretend you
never even knew me.
It would work out
don't let go of that one
And I'll find mine.
I'll find mine
I'll find mine"


___________________________________________


Fighting For Nothing
by Meg and Dia

"When I was younger, I wish that I would have known better
Better love makes a fat romance, lasts for more than a shoe shine
I'm bolder, took all the words of my mother
Saying it could be worse
Could be born with that disease
Instead of catching it first

So let's go back to the first time
That I met you in your Chevy
With your hands stretched and me crying, screaming "mercy, mercy"
But I know that I was put here
To fight vikings in the cold war,
with my arms out in the front singing "tear me, tear me"

These things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
They say it gets better, better
But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing

It feels like this world has been growing slowly upside down,
Maybe I should move to China, straighten this mess out
Maybe I'll be a poet, watch all the sky for falling words
Write about my grandma's curtains
Or the lady who put the chinese buffet in her purse

I've got my mouth, it's a weapon
It's bombshell, it's a cannon
I've got my words, I won't give them mercy, mercy

These things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
They say it gets better, better
But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing

I hope they cut you open, make you seal the warn
For all the wrong reasons, make you see
that some things were worth bruising for
Make you see that your name is your honor code
Make you see that your hands you're accounted for
They can choose where your sweat and you blood will go
Make you see your life's not to be lived alone
Run the strip through your hair
You're worth nothing, nothing

These things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
They say it gets better, better
But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing."

SINGLE AGAIN

A message from a girl he's been talking to is all it took.
Go figure. I'm not gonna be cheated on by someone who has no other ability to cheat besides LETTERS in the fucking mail.

"Yeah, well. Then maybe he shouldn't be telling me that You will always be second best as long as I'm in his life. So yeah. Maybe I'll just get over it. Because apparently we are both being played for fools. But it's whatever. He can continue to write me and talk about you and how he wants to be with me and he never really wanted to be with you it was just because he was afraid of being alone. Apparently he's telling us both different things. But thanks for letting me know." - The OTHER girl.


If I'm second best, You're nothing.
I've got my friends. My family.
And a WHOLE COLLEGE FULL OF SEXY BOYS.
Maybe that guy that sits next to me every day in geography and talks to me...


Randee - Thank you. For pushing the truth on me even when I was too stupid to want to listen. If he's gonna get me back, which I don't really see happening, he's gonna have a LOT of explaining to do.


Bye, Michael.
And Jessica, You can have him. I won't fight for someone who won't even be faithful to me.

Loving life, huh? Who would've thought...

Ferris.
A place where I can know approximately ten people, only two of which I see and/or hang out with regularly, and still be happy? I'll take it while it's available. Those of you who were with me throughout my few very short months as a student at Western know that I was dead-set on HATING college. I could sing the I Love College song and enjoy it, but could I really enjoy the real thing? NO. I couldn't. I was unhappy. It was a terrible two months. And I'd like to say, I felt pathetic knowing that I hadn't even managed to survive an entire semester. But here I am, at a new college, with new classes, new professors, and new people surrounding me, and I really am enjoying myself. My schedule is kind of crazy, and I hate that I have to commute because I can't afford to pay to live on campus, but I'm here, I'm breathing, and I'm not freaking out about it.

I don't know what it is that is different, entirely. My mindset, of course, is far from the same as a year ago. My attitude is much better. And, I'm taking my medicine and sleeping normal hours - that in itself is a huge leap from my time at Western. I also think it helped immensely that I took classes during the summer, therefore allowing myself to become comfortable with campus [for the most part...sometimes I still don't know how to get around.] and the idea of taking classes and learning and all that good junk. I'm not really meeting people very quickly, but I'm not upset about that. I'm cautious who I'm spending my time with, even if that means mostly just spending my free time with Carmen back at home.

I can't help but feel proud, regardless of this only being day 8. My second week is almost over and I'm not bursting at the seams with stress like I expected to be. I need to get a job, money's REALLY tight right now, and my car seems to want to break down every week, but I'm handling things. I need to study more and work harder on my homework. But I'm still okay. I'm happy.

Mike's in jail, and it could be a couple of years before I see him outside of the glassed-in visiting area, but I care about him. Like Carmen told me last night, as long as we both know where our hearts are, we can make it through. I don't doubt that I care about him. Not one bit. If I didn't care about him I wouldn't have stuck it out past point A, him getting arrested in the first place. So for now I just write him and visit when I can, and do my work and get to class and just focus on the things that lay within my control.

Basically this post is just to let you all know I'm doing well. Hopefully that's what you want for me, and if not, please gtfo and stfu. :P

I can actually say I'm enjoying life.

Now if these automatic doors would please stop ignoring my existence so I don't have to wait for some non-invisible person to walk up and coax them open. That would really be a nice add-on to a great couple of weeks.


Bring it on, life. I'm ready this time.
:)
I love you. [Always.]
He's my friend. [I need friends.]
He hurt you. [So badly.]
You hate him. [Forever.]
I can't drop him. [That's not me.]
So you dropped me. [And that kills me.]
I love you. [Anyway.]





Air, I can't explain what it is that makes it so difficult for me to just stop being friends with James. But what's even more powerful is the feeling of pain that is residing in my entire being at this moment, since you basically said goodbye to me forever. I love you. I can't explain it. I have no reason to have ties to him. But they're currently refusing to be cut. And my ties with you, well, you just cut them. And I hate that. I cry for that. I hurt for that. So hopefully some day that will not be the case.....Once again, I love you.

Mike. :)

So, I opened this post to complain.
To rant about everything that's falling in on me.
To tell you all [however few people actually read my posts anyhow,] about how I've finally fallen...
Fallen for someone who treats me how I deserve to be treated.
Fallen for someone who fell for me, too.
I know, sounds like very little to complain about.
Till I let you know this - he was arrested a few days ago.
And he's looking at a couple of years in prison.




Now, I said I opened this to complain.
BUT.
And this is a big BUT...


As I hit the 'post' button, he called me from jail.
I ran outside for better signal.
I accepted a ten dollar charge that I can't afford.
Because he's worth that to me.
He's worth not having sex for however many months or years.
He's worth getting a better job to afford the gas I'll need to visit him on weekends.
He's worth talking on phones through glass.
He's worth it all to me.


And he told me he loves me.
The crazy part?
I think I love him, too.


So I opened this to complain.
But right now I just feel euphoric.
There are days [like today] when I feel like someone blew a hole through my lungs when I wasn't paying attention.
And then I try to take a breath....And it just comes so slowly, so ragged.
It takes so much energy just to get oxygen into my system.
And my ribs feel disconnected in the center.
Like my sternum must be missing.
They're separating, and my heart is just falling out.




And there are days [like today] when I don't have a logical reason to feel like that.
But I do.
Oh, I really do...