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I'm me, for now.

I was just standing outside, waiting on a phone call, when something strange happened. You see, I've been extremely frustrated lately. [More on why, later.] So I was standing on the sidewalk at the edge of a parking lot. You know how the sidewalk is a level up, so you have to step DOWN, into the parking lot? Well I was standing at the very edge, with half my feet over the ledge. I was making pretend it was the edge of a cliff, and if I stepped off, I could so easily fall into oblivion. Unfortunately, when I did step off, reality hit, and nothing happened at all. I'm not gonna lie, I was quite disappointed.

I'm so fucking tired of being let down.
I put out so much. I work so hard to be the friend that someone can count on.
When I love, I put every fiber of my being into that love.
And it seems like nearly everytime, it gets thrown back in my face.
Booty calls that I can't ignore shatter my heart.
Friends that I've spent every last ounce of my energy keeping in one piece stomp on my ambition.

At home, my medicine bottle is empty.
There's nothing in my system that is going to calm me down.
I can't pretend right now for more than a few minutes.
I'm me, for the moment, and I'm free.
And I'm ANGRY. I'm HURT.
And I want to get revenge.
I want to make you watch me have sex with him because you can't get over yourself and realize that I didn't make the choice for him to leave you.
I want to talk to him because he's been my friend when you've so more often than not, ignored my attempts to reach out to you.
I want to punch you in the face and walk away so you can feel physically what you've put me through emotionally, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
But most of all, I want you to hold me and tell me that no matter how many people are against me right now, You're Not. You're HERE, even if you're an hour away. You CARE, even if they don't.





I just want........release.


Thank GOD for my camping trip in a couple of days with Jaclyn.

Spinning

Spinning in circles to see where you’re going
Taking me with you is not your intention
Fight as I might I just can’t grasp the concept
Of someone who chooses the directions you’re headed
Biting my tongue to push back the words
That I constantly feel like I need to scream
Scream in your ear in case maybe you didn’t
Hear them the first time or second or third.
Maybe this is not the way I should go
About getting your attention again
But somehow I’m scared and frustrated by you
And the fact that you push me away so easily.
So I’m jumping to see above all your walls
While the tears push me down and my feet get so tired
Of following and running and chasing you down
I felt like it was worth it but I don’t know now
It hurts and it’s crazy but I just keep going
Hoping that someday you’ll chase after me
Then I could stop and take a few breaths
Before turning around and seeing you there
But these are all dreams and not going to happen
Cos try as I might I just can’t change your mind
You’re running away and I’m so far behind you
Never been as uncertain as I am about you.
Rambling and crying and falling apart
Without you, my comfort, my truth, and my heart.

nevermind.

I am rather dependent
On not one, but multiple people.
I hate to rely
On things I cannot prove
And yet that’s where I stand.
Leaning against unsturdy pillars
Hoping against hopes that they will not fall

I find myself sticking my foot
Farther and father into my mouth each day
But certainly not because I like
The feeling or the taste of it.

......ugh.



 

Short.

Your hands wrap around my throat instead of my waist.
The tears in both our eyes mark this new pace of action.
Will we even stick around for the final show?
I can't know for sure.
The burning that I feel deep within my chest bursts into flames.
They lick the inside of my throat like a shot of whiskey that won't stay down.
Your words act as an accelerant and force the fire throughout my body.
Every move I make threatens to allow it's escape through my very pores.
I've been burning for days now; the ashes at my feet visible only to me.
This wasn't what I expected when I said I wanted to feel the fire.

 

the bile flavoring the back of my throat tells me to forget you; the tears burning my eyes remind me that's something i can't do.
my pulsating wrists beg for release, while i ignore their pleas half-heartedly.
i'm biting my tongue to hold back the fire that is sure to spew in just moments.
the dull ache in my chest is growing stronger, and i wrap my arms around myself to hold it in.
my own arms, not yours, feel almost unfamiliar.
pull at my hair and pull on my clothes. it's time to leave; but i won't.

 




"you should meet this guy I know......"





that's all i can say.

We celebrate our sense of each other

· You have held me together when I thought for sure all the pieces of me would scatter and never be found again. I’ve been blessed with smiles and laughter because of you, in times when I wanted to do nothing but sit alone and cry. You are the most important part of my world right now. And I will always be there to put you back together as well. I want the very best for you. I hope and pray that this time things will work out and I will be able to enjoy everything with you. But if not, I will always be there with food and movies to pick you back up. I am always for you.

· I’m amazed at how much I don’t care about you anymore. And it’s about damn time.

· There’s a corner of my heart, just for you. I hope someday you come claim it.

· Thank you. You held up my world when it was lower than it’s ever been. Because of you, I find beauty in everyone and everything. You showed me how important it is to love even those people that you don’t know anything about.

· There is a chance that I was wrong about us. I don’t think I’m as strong as you give me credit for. But I’m willing to risk the pain to find out.

· Stop letting other people affect you so much. I care about you a lot, and I hate to see your life in shambles just because someone else wants to mess things up for you. Stand up and fight back.

· Hold on. Move forward. Stop running away. She loves you. Get better. It’s going to be beautiful when things are straightened out.

· You make me want to punch you dead in the face. I abhor how you treat women, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Besides that, I’m really not sure what they see in you anyhow. You’re not that funny, not that sweet, and not that attractive. So where’s this great catch they’re all expecting?

· I think you’re wrong. But I don’t have the heart to tell you and ruin your plans, because I love you, and I don’t want to hurt you.

· I enjoy wasting time talking to you about intellectual things. You’ve proven to me not only that all men aren’t terrible creatures, but that your brother hurting me was certainly nothing to do with how he was raised. He’s just a bad one, and they exist everywhere.

· Even after everything you said to me, sometimes I wish we were still friends.

· I’m afraid that once he leaves you’ll get your heart broken. But I’m excited for someone to treat you the way you deserve, too. I suppose you’ll take it as it comes, and I will have to watch it happen either way.

· I’m afraid for you, because I feel like you don’t fear some things that should scare the living shit out of you.

· I honestly think you need help. Big help. It’s been a long time coming, and you have even admitted to a problem in the past. I just wish you could get up and take the next step.

· Knowing that you’re just one phone call, one text, one IM away, saves me more often than I let on.

· Thank you, so much. You were the only one who I really felt a connection with in Kalamazoo. Without you there I don’t think I would have gotten out of bed at all in the past few months. I’m going to miss you!

· I’m worried that you could be making a mistake, but I love you and whatever happens I will be there to support you and your decisions.

· I think you’ve finally found someone worth giving your all. Spend the rest of your life with him and know that I approve, and wish you the best.

· I wish we talked more so that I could witness your beautiful life. Some things that most would view as mistakes really have proven to be necessary obstacles that helped you grow into a beautiful woman. I think your family is going to be even greater soon. You have what it takes, whether other people believe that or not.

· I hope that someday you officially and one hundred percent get over your almost lover. You are one of the strongest girls that I have ever met. You’re beautiful, intelligent, funny, and loving. Those who choose to look past those qualities and pick out your flaws are missing out on one hell of a woman. Even being younger than myself, you’ve given me hope and something to work toward. I strive to be as amazing as you are.

· You’re beautiful. You’re strong. You’re hilarious. You’re someone who took a chance on me purely because you could. I’m so glad that you did.




We have a lot to give one another

I'm no longer the girl who I once was....

But I'm falling through to be more and more similar by the day.








I'm scared to be breaking the way I am. These shattered pieces are unfamiliar and too familiar all at once.
I've held myself together this long. I've been one solid piece for God knows how long at this point.




And a few simple words broke me into a thousand tiny pieces. And I'm not so sure I have the energy to pick them up just yet.
All I have the time for it seems, is trying to change your mind.










And btw, FUCK ME, for drunk texting.
It's weird. And so unlike me.
WHATEVER.
I don't think I even care at how stupid my posts are becoming.
I'm stuck again. It's been a while. I haven't dealt with fighting a losing battle like this one in a long time. I just want to stop feeling anything for this guy. I want to be able to take the advice of the person who means the most to me. I want to not cry all the time. But like my lovely father would say, "If you want in one hand and shit in the other, which one's gonna get full first?" - Cute, I know. And very accurate in my situation.

You've made your decision. I'm not a part of it. And I can't have a normal conversation with you without wanting more.



And I can't have a conversation about you without bursting into tears.



For three or four, maybe even five? days, I felt perfect. I was able to look at the brighter side of things. I laughed. I smiled. I blushed?! I even got my ass out of bed because I remembered suddenly that I have a life to live. A couple of days later and I was hit in the face with the idea that maybe it was just a fling. I was reassured that it wasn't. That careers were more important. And I believe that the mind was changed in that respect. But something else tells me there is more to the story than I am being told.


I just can't help but to feel like either my flaws got in the way, or you really never liked me.
I haven't blabbed like this about something of this content in a long time.
It feels disgusting.


And my crying is getting unreasonable.

26 Oct 2008 6:27 PM:
"you're cute."

I should have looked a little closer before I leaped so far.

Looks like Tylenol, beer, and bedtime, are the only salvageable parts left of my day.

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